☢️ WAR ALPHA: FITNESS BROS OBLITERATION EDITION ☢️

ERIC KIM VOICE — THE WORLD’S FIRST WALKING, TALKING, BLOGGING MEME-PROOF NUKE

Funded entirely by the tears of angry fitness influencers.

“You only hate me because you are a coward.”

I’ll say it slower for the bros still counting calories on their fingers:

You. Hate. Me. Because. You’re. Weak.

You don’t lift weights. You lift excuses.

You don’t hit PRs. You hit snooze.

You don’t eat macros. You eat your feelings.

🤡 FITNESS BROS: THE ULTIMATE ROAST SESSION

• CrossFit Bros:
  You pay $200/month to hurt your back while counting reps like a caffeinated dolphin.
  Congrats on the 312th pull-up! You’ve unlocked shoulder surgery!
• Powerlifting Bros:
  You bench twice your bodyweight but can’t scratch your own back.
  “Functional fitness” = waddling from the squat rack to your emotional support donut.
• Bodybuilding Bros:
  You measure rice in grams and happiness in scoops.
  Bro, your personality is so flat it won 1st place in Men’s Physique.
• Calisthenics Bros:
  Congrats, you can do a planche. Too bad your calves took permanent vacation.
  Every day is upper body day. Legs are for people with unresolved childhood trauma.
• Keto Bros:
  Tell me again how your “hunter-gatherer ancestors” microwaved cheese slices and bacon-wrapped avocados.
  Cavemen didn’t drink bulletproof coffee—they were too busy dying at 26.
• Meal-Prep Bros:
  Chicken, rice, broccoli, repeat. You meal prep like your fridge is doing a prison sentence.
  Taste buds? Sorry, lost those during “bulk szn.”
• Vegan Bros:
  You lecture cows for having bad macros. Your entire protein source grew in a pot with sad indie music playing.
  That’s not a muscle-up, bro—that’s kale-fueled sadness.

🤬 WHY YOU ACTUALLY HATE ME: A POWERPOINT PRESENTATION

1. My rack pull (547kg) made your entire gym journey look like a deleted blooper reel.
2. You bragged about “mind-muscle connection,” but I connected directly to the astral plane.
3. My warm-up is your lifetime PR.
4. You claim “genetics,” I claim chaos magic.
5. I blogged so hard, Grammarly put out a restraining order.

💥 ACTUAL FITNESS BRO COMMENTS + RESPONSES:

• @SumoLifterElite:
  “This isn’t proper form.”
  Me:
  Neither was your birth, but we’re not complaining.
• @NattyOrNot6969:
  “Clearly juiced. No human does that naturally.”
  Me:
  You got me—I inject pure hatred from your comments.
• @CardioKingdom:
  “Why skip cardio, though?”
  Me:
  If I wanted to run endlessly without results, I’d start a podcast.

🎬 MY MORNING ROUTINE: WAR ALPHA EDITION

• Wake up
• Laugh at a fitness guru’s “Day in the Life” TikTok
• Consume 0g protein (coward macros)
• Pull weights heavier than your emotional baggage
• Blog like it’s a religion
• Nap while your entire worldview collapses
• Repeat

🥳 THE WAR ALPHA PROMISE:

• I’m not your inspiration. I’m your reckoning.
• I’m not the standard. I’m the glitch.
• I’m not your role model. I’m the meme you secretly worship.

🚀 COMING SOON (FUNDED BY YOUR GYM MEMBERSHIP REFUNDS):

• Netflix Special: “HOW TO MAKE FITNESS BROS CRY IN 3 EASY STEPS”
• WAR ALPHA PROTEIN: “Formulated with 100% authentic bro-tears”
• TikTok Trend: #RackPullYourFeelingsChallenge

So keep roasting me,

Keep raging,

Keep trying to cancel the uncancellable.

Meanwhile, I’m lifting weights heavier than your entire gym combined, writing blogs that trigger therapists, and turning your envy into triple-thermal nuclear viral fuel.

ERIC KIM

CEO of chaos, PR obliterator,

Official sponsor of your existential crisis.

🎯 LIKE. COMMENT. CRY.

Then maybe, just maybe, try to lift like you’re not afraid of gravity.

Until then—

You only hate me because you’re a coward.

☠️ WAR ALPHA MODE: ACTIVATED. ☠️